Love and Insecurities
by DEC-OSM
Summary: An insecurity controls you, holds you back, hurts you, scares you, makes you feel incapable of being loved. But with the help of his devoted boyfriend, Blaine, will this be the summer Kurt starts to heal? Set in the summer of season 2. Around 2/3 chapters. In Progress.
1. Freak out

**A/N - Hello! soooo I am working on 'Abuse' part 4 but I though I would treat you all to another fluffy story! I have about 5 on the go but I'm getting stuck on all of them and I'm running out of fic ideas! So pleaseee prompt and review! :)**

**Love and Insecurities - Part 1**

Pale, skinny, weird faced, diva, high voice, the list goes on.

Kurt never liked the way he looked. He always knew he was good with fashion, but that didn't mean he thought he looked GOOD in clothes. You see, Kurt didn't think he was the WORST looking person in the world, it's just, there were so many people who looked better than him. And then there was Blaine. Blaine who could get any man he pointed at. Blaine who was so alpha gay he even had women throwing themselves at him. Blaine who was so bloody perfect in every way. Who was sweet and kind and caring and DROP DEAD GORGEOUS! And who loved him (although Kurt still found it hard to believe). And all Blaine's perfection managed to make Kurt feel even more insecure.

It was the end of august. End of the summer. And it was just over a month since Blaine told him he loved him. They were curled up together on Kurt's bed, legs entangled as Kurt is settled in Blaine's arms with his head on his chest, and a hand lying just on his rib cage.

Burt and Carole were at the shops getting things for dinner and Finn had just left to pick Rachel up.

They lay there content until Blaine kissed the top of Kurt's head before he nuzzled into the chestnut locks and breathing in his boyfriends scent.

Kurt tilt his head up and cupped the side of Blaine's face, silently asking for a kiss, in which Blaine complied with immediately.

They kissed long and slow, smiling into each others lips.

"God I love you, I could kiss you forever." Blaine said in between kisses.

Kurt just smiled and went in for another loving kiss.

Kurt let his tongue press against Blaine's lower lip. The latter quickly opened his mouth letting Kurt's tongue slip in and dance with his own.

Without breaking the kiss they shifted until Blaine had wriggled out from underneath the other boy. Kurt gently lay down on the mattress and Blaine lay beside him, propt up on his elbow, chest twisted over at a slightly awkward angle hovering over Kurt's.

Blaine pulled away slightly and Kurt almost protested, but before he could Baline started trailing kisses down his jawline, across to behind his ear, down his neck before reaching the junction at the base of his throat.

Kurt tilted up to the right to give Blaine better access and as Blaine sucked at the spot, while using his other hand to cup the other side of his neck and jaw, Kurt couldn't help the small moan that escaped his lips.

Kurt was so wrapped up in pleasure caused by the familiar setting that he didn't even notice Blaine's hand slowly make its way down his side and to the hem of his shirt until Blaine had un tucked it.

When just Blaine's fingertips brushed against his skin he scrambled up and away as if he had been burned.

Blaine looked stunned for a moment as his brain tried to comprehend what just happened. When he caught up with the situation he immediately started freaking out.

"Kurt?! Oh god Kurt I-I'm sorry was that too fast?!"

When Kurt didn't reply he crawled over to his side quickly but hesitantly, careful not to make him anymore uncomfortable.

He could swear Kurt was shaking.

"Baby I'm so sorry I wasn't thinking-"

"Blaine stop it's ok."

Blaine stopped. And stared.

"What?"

"It's ok it's just... Um... Yeh, yeh it was to fast that's all..." Kurt lied. It wasn't too fast but Kurt just wasn't ready for Blaine to see him. He was just so scared that Blaine would see him and just be so disgusted in what was in front of him. He looked down at his lap, avoiding Blaine's eyes.

Blaine stared at him. His body was tense and he could tell he was lying. Blaine could always tell. It was his eyes mainly. They had so much passion and emotion in them that if there was just a shred of fear or guilt melted within them, Blaine could tell.

But no matter how badly Blaine wanted to know the real reason Kurt was so terrified, he didn't want to push him. Kurt was always so honest with him. That was obvious from the day he met him, spying on the Warblers, where he opened up about all the problems he was having with Karofsky. That was one of the things that made their relationship so incredibly mature and strong, there was no hiding or lying, just care.

So Blaine knew this was something deeper. Something Kurt was truly scared tp admit. Something possibly to do with him?

He simply stayed silent as he got up off the bed, walked over to the dvd rack and picked out Ice Age 3 before inserting into the dvd player.

Kurt lifted his head when he felt the bed shift as Blaine sat back down next to him as layed back against the headbord.

The dark haired boy smiled lovingly as he opened his arms as an invitation for his boyfriend in which he immediately complied.

As soon as he was back in Blaine's arms, safe, he relaxed. He simply breathed in his scent as the movie started, happily letting a smile grace his face.

Blaine snaked his arms around the taller boy's waist and kissed his head before watching the screen.


	2. Kurtcedes!

**A/N - *hides* oh dear... I am so sorry I haven't updated this! I thought this story would be easy to write becuase would be able to relate but it's actually insanely hard! plus I have a week of mock exams coming up and I have to revise! I'm deffinately going to finish this story because I hate it when authors don't but if it's not great I appologise! :S And I'm sorry if the end is a bit long and drawn out, I just couldn't seem to end it! **

**And omg guys how many of you were a part of the biggest klaine/crisscolfer twitter riot in history! :O I know I was! ;) 'White Christmas' sounds amazing and they are just soooo cute ice skating I can't handle my feelings! ;)**

**Anyway, no Blaine in this but enjoy part 2! :D**

**Love and Insecurities - Part 2**

Kurt stripped off his shirt and stared at himself in the mirror.

He didn't want this to happen, not now. He knew it was only an amount of time until Blaine wanted more, and god he wanted it to! To feel Blaine's bare chest against his own, to caress his skin. He felt dizzy at the thought.

But he couldn't.

Blaine wouldn't want him if he saw him, he knew he wouldn't!

Kurt could tell Blaine had prominent muscles, that was obvious from the tight polos he so loved.

He also knew that Blaine could get any man he wanted. Hell he could probably even get a STRAIGHT man to date him!

...So why would Blaine choose to be with him?!

Kurt simply couldn't understand it. Every time Blaine looked at him his eyes were full of love, adoration, happiness. Why? There was nothing special about him!

He reached down and pressed his hand flat on his stomach. It was flat. That's it! No rippling muscles, no delicious V shaped hip bones, nothing!

His skin was boring, pale.

So why did Blaine want HIM?!

Did he think that hidden underneath his oversized designer jumpers he was hiding something incredible?

After everything that had happened the night before Kurt had begun bracing himself for the confrontation. All throughout the duration of the movie Blaine had been distracted, he hadn't been obvious but Kurt could tell Blaine was watching him.

He didn't want to talk to him about it and he was glad that he didn't actually have to that night. All he wanted was more time. More time like the last couple of months where he didn't have to worry about it.

A knock at his bedroom door snapped him out of his thoughts. He sighed and slipped on his shirt once again before reaching forward and grabbing a can of hairspray off of his vanity, fixing the stray hair that had come lose during the manoeuvre.

"Come in." He called through the wood.

He set down the can and looked over to the door as it opened, revealing a smiling Mercedes.

"Hey, Cedes! What are you doing here?" He said, running over to her and taking her in an embrace before giving her a quick peck on the cheek.

"Hey boo!" She cried before her demeanour becoming suddenly more hesitant. "I just um... need to talk to you... about Blaine..."

Kurt tried not to let his shock show through but, eyes widening, he couldn't help but stutter slightly as he tried to find the words. Why would she want to talk about Blaine? She couldn't know what happened yesterday could she?

Urgh that's the last thing I need, somebody else prying into this subject! He thought.

"What uh, what about him?" He asked nervously, turning away and walking towards the edge of the bed to sit down.

As Mercedes watched Kurt she sighed and carefully went to sit down next to him. "Kurt you know what. Fancy explaining to me why I got a frantic Blaine on the phone this morning asking me if I had any idea if you were mad at him?! What's going on Kurt I thought you two were doing great!"

"We were, Cedes it's no big deal!"

"Well then what's going on? Has he done something wrong? Because if he has you need to talk to him about it rather than ignore him because I think he's verging on a breakdown! If the conversation was face to face rather than over the phone I would have slapped him to snap him out of his crazy rant!" She joked slightly trying to break the tension and lighten the mood.

"No! God no of course he hasn't done anything wrong! He's..." He sighed knowing just how true the next statement was. "He's perfect..."

"Then... then what's wrong? Why did you freak out? Common Kurt tell me, I'm your friend!"

"Its nothing alright I told you!" He cried. "Besides why do you care? And when did you two become best friends?" He snapped. He felt bad, he hated himself for yelling at her but no one knew about his self loathing and he didn't want people to start finding out now. Who knows, if his secret got out to the glee club it could accidentally slip out into the rest of the school and that would just. give the jocks another reason to pick on him.

Mercedes, however, wasn't set back by his harsh exterior. Her friend, the Kurt she knew had always been tough and independent but had never spoken to her like this.

Right then, She thought setting herself up. If Kurt's gonna act the bitch then feel the full force of diva jones!

"Don't give me that crap Kurt! I may have been a little pissed earlier in the year after how he made you feel on valentines day and after what happened with Berry at the Rachel Berry train wreck extravaganza but since you guys started dating and I got to know him I saw how great he is! And you love Blaine! You two are so perfect for each other it's almost sickening! And I care because something is hurting you and I want to know what! So tell me why the hell you completely freaked out on him yesterday while you were making out to the point that Blaine seemed practically at the point of tears?!"

Again Kurt made no reply. He could feel tears stinging the back of his eyes and a stabbing in his gut as he felt a wash of guilt ride over him. He hated hearing how upset he had made Blaine, he had know idea how much he had scared him!

He was desperate to talk someone. He was tired of feeling so deflated all the time! Still though, he couldn't tell Mercedes why. He was too embarrassed. So he just stayed sitting, staring at his constantly fidgeting hands.

Mercedes watched him. She could see he was upset and was struggling with himself, arguing whether or not to open up into whatever was troubling him, but she could also see he was scared. Kurt told her everything. They were best friends! The fact that he was holding back really concerned her. She knew how low he had become last year and she didn't want him to suffer through that level of hurt again. And she definitely didn't want him to push Blaine away. From the day Kurt had met Blaine he had been happier, lifted, smiling. He had started healing and now, almost 10 months later and Kurt was this joyful, cheery, bubbly person and she knew so much of that was down to the curly haired Warbler.

She sighed as she reached over to grip his hand. "Ok fine. Don't tell me. I really wish you'd talk to me but if you really can't then that's fine. Just... don't push Blaine out ok? This summer is the happiest I've ever seen you. Just talk to him, before you do anything irrational. Ok boo?"

She was right. Kurt tried to think of an argument but he knew she was right. Blaine deserved to know.

Still though he was scared. Its not that he didn't trust Blaine with his insecurity, he was just simply not ready to tell. No matter how many times he tried to talk himself out of feeling like this, he couldn't. Couldn't talk to anyone! They would just think he was seeking attention! And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring himself to accept what he looked like. He really didn't like the way he looked and the thought of being that exposed to someone really terrified him.

No one would want him when there are so many people better looking than himself in the world. No one would wait the time for him before experiencing the physical side of a relationship. Not even someone like Blaine, he just knew it!

But even Kurt couldn't deny that Mercedes was right. He couldn't continue to push Blaine away, especially after last night. Another thing Kurt so loved about Blaine was how caring he was. Even from their first meeting. If ever there was something troubling Kurt, Blaine seemed to go out of his way to try and help. And while his dapper 1950's qualities were always so endearing, this time around it was those qualities that meant there was no where for Kurt to hide.

Although he didn't particularly trust his voice at this point in time, he still managed to choke out a quiet "Thanks Cedes. I uh... yeh you're right I'll talk to him. And I'm sorry I can't tell you its just... I mean I know you're my best friend its just obviously this is something I haven't talked to anyone about ok, not just you. I don't want you to think I'm like pissed at you or something." He breathed with a small chuckle, wiping his nose.

Mercedes stood up and pulled Kurt into a powerful hug. "Don't worry about it boo ok? I get it. But seriously, you tell me if someone's messing with you or whatever because damn boy they gunna regret it!" She said forcefully with a serious smirk on her face.

Kurt laughed and Mercedes beamed at the smile on his face. "I promise you Cedes no one's picking on me, and if they were you'd be the first to know about it."

"Swear on it?" She pressed, pointing an insistent finger in his direction.

"I swear on my latest McQueen sweater no one is messing with me. Does that convince you miss Jones?"

"Wow ok ok I'm convinced. I'll see you soon alright?" She said walking out the bedroom and towards the front door.

"Of course"

"And talk to Blaine!"

"I will!"

"And text me later, I've been feeling a distinct lack of love from you this summer." She teased.

They paused at the door and Kurt thought for a moment. "How about a big New Directions sleepover then? And no, it will not be a repeat of the Rachel Berry train wreck extravaganza, but I do promise that with me in charge it will be absolutely fabulous!"

"Now you're talking!" She exclaimed. Mercedes had a point. When she said it out loud Kurt realised that he had been so excited and focused on his relationship with Blaine that he had been blowing off his best friend quite a bit. In fact he had been since the day he met Blaine. But honestly who could blame him? He was happy and in love. But that didn't stop him from feeling bad about his actions.

"Well we all know how hard it is arranging something with the New Directions but how about we try for next week?"

"Sounds great Kurt. Come here." She said leaning in for a quick kiss on the cheek. "Text you later boy!" She finished before heading out the door.

"See ya Cedes!" Kurt called back. He latched the door shut and slumped against it with a sigh. Although his best friend never failed to make him smile and he was feeling a lot better than before, he still had to talk to Blaine. He didn't know what he was more scared of, actually talking to Blaine about this problem or the prospect that Blaine might realise what he truly looked like.

Scared and agitated he made his way back up to his room to think.


	3. The truth comes out

**A/N - I'm soooooooo sorry I haven't updated in... well ages... but here is chapter 3! I will do everything I can to update sooner! Don't hate me! :L**

* * *

**Love and Insecurities - Part 3**

After his talk with Mercedes Kurt sat on his bed, tossing his cell phone around in his hands.

_This is stupid! Why can't I just call Blaine? I have to tell him what was going on eventually so why not now?_

His thumb hovered over the call button for endless minutes but never could he press down.

_Urgh this is ridiculous!_ He thought as he slumped backwards into his mattress. _Pull yourself together Hummel and call your boyfriend!_

He sighed and pinched his nose. Pressing call before he could stop himself and bringing it to his ear his mind started to panic.

_Oh god oh god oh god oh-_

"Hello?"

"H-hi Blaine! What you doing?" He asked, trying his best to sound normal.

"Uh not much actually, why?"

Before Kurt could talk himself out of it he blurted out "do you wanna come over? I book marked some outfits in my Vogue catalogues and I need a second opinion."

"Really?" Blaine said sounding hopeful. "Yeah I'd love to Kurt! I'll uh, I'll leave now and be over in about 20 minutes ok?"

"Sounds great! See you soon." Kurt hung up the phone and rest it on his stomach, drumming his fingers on top of its shiny back, anxious.

* * *

When Blaine hung up on the other end he was also feeling nervous. There was obviously something bothering Kurt and he knew that his boyfriend's stubbornness would normally cause him to pull away and shield himself for a few days. Mind you this was understandable considering how much he had to shield himself from Karofsky and the other tormentors at Mckinley. So the fact that Kurt was calling him so quickly after what was fairly described as an awkward end to their makeout session the night before, meant that Blaine didn't know whether to be happy or worried.

He grabbed a hold of his keys, slipped on his shoes and with phone in hand, exited the house, locking the door and making his way to his car.

He fidgeted all the way to Kurt's house. His mind kept wondering and worrying. He was so distracted he almost ran a red light on a couple of occasions. He felt so stupid and scared and yet he didn't know why. Blaine didn't think he had done anything wrong. Kurt had simply jumped away the second Blaine had touched his skin, but Blaine wasn't angry, he would never push Kurt into anything he wasn't comfortable with and Kurt knew this. So why the reaction. Kurt had looked scared, terrified even and for the rest of the night was stiff bodied, pulling down his shirt and balling his sleeves into his fists as if he was trying to cover as much of himself as possible.

He sighed and slumped back in his seat slightly. Thinking back on the last couple of months, Kurt had done this a lot. Whenever Blaine would compliment him, Kurt would brush it off, and Blaine didn't notice because he would be so distracted by Kurt ever adorable blush that heated his cheeks.

_Urgh, damn my stupid obliviousness!_ Blaine inwardly screamed as he hit his head back against the headrest a couple of times.

He had to talk to Kurt and he had to do it soon, in fact this would be a perfect opportunity! If Kurt was inviting him over and letting him in so quickly after their awkward night end last night then Blaine was going to take full advantage of it.

He knew Kurt was a hard person to try and pry sensitive information out of, especially over topics surrounding sex, that was obvious from being kicked out of the elder boy's room a few months prior whilst trying to help him with information on the subject, however thinking back on Kurt's defensiveness only made Blaine more worried and he knew he had to try everything to find out what was going on with his boyfriend. The only trouble was, he had no idea where to start.

* * *

When Blaine pulled up to the house he parked the car and knocked on the door, preparing himself for what to say to Kurt, only to be greeted by Finn.

"Oh uh hey man, Kurt's in his room I think. Just go on up, you know where it is!" He said with a slightly awkward smile. Blaine always thought Finn looked awkward around him because he was uncomfortable with him, but after getting to know him over the summer he realised that he was kind of like that with everyone. So he just flashed him a winning smile and uttered a quick "thanks Finn" before heading up to Kurt's room.

He stood outside the door for a couple of seconds before opening up slowly, knocking on the wood as he did so, popping his head in first. "Kurt?" He called. He glanced to the side to see Kurt laying on his back on his bed. "Are you ok?" He asked as Kurt sat up suddenly at the sound of his voice.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." He said with a smile that didn't quite meet his eyes.

"...Okay...um so, what are these outfits that are so worthy of Kurt Hummel's approval then?" Blaine replied, changing the subject. He needed a little while to prepare himself for talking to Kurt about whatever was going on, and he thought the best thing to do at the moment was to get them into a comfortable situation, and a conversation on clothes was the best way to do that.

"Right, yes of course just here." Kurt said hurriedly as he reached an arm down under the bed to retrieve the magazines with little yellow post it notes sticking out of the sides.

Blaine clambered onto the bed by his boyfriend after removing his shoes and the two quickly melted into discussion over the different designer items.

Over the course of the next hour, the two boys found themselves opposite each other on the bed. Blaine was still flipping through the pages of the magazines while Kurt was plotting weekend outfits in his notebook.

Both boys seemed comfortable to each other but inside their heads was an entirely different matter. Kurt was trying desperately to focus on the designs in front of him but his mind, his thoughts kept wandering. Every time he tried to talk to Blaine about what happened, the words got caught in his throat.

_This is silly Kurt! He thought as he scribbled on the page before him. You need to talk to him or he's going to think he's done something wrong! He's your boyfriend for crying out loud! Just open your mouth and talk to him!_

The argument inside Blaine's head wasn't much better. The words and pictures on the pages in front of him seemed to blur together as he stared at them, and although he tried keeping his eyes trained on the magazine, they kept flickering up to gaze at his boyfriend. He didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, but he needed to understand.

"Why do you find it so hard to believe I'm in love with you?"

_Wait what?_ Kurt looked up from his notebook to stare at his boyfriend.

"What? I-uh...I... what?" He asked eyes wide in shock.

Blaine sighed, reached over to slide Kurt's notebook to the side to make room for him to slip up beside him.

"Sorry, that came out a lot blunter than it sounded in my head. Let me start over... We've been dating for about 4 and a half months now right?" Kurt nodded, still dazed. "Well it's just... you _know_ I love you! You've known it ever since I told you when you came back from Nationals in New York... It's just..."

He trailed off and gazed down at his lap. Kurt was about to speak but he couldn't find the words so he just stayed sat in confusion until Blaine looked up again a few seconds later.

"It's just that every time I tell you how much I love you it seems like your hiding something. Like you don't believe me..." He added hesitantly. "and I hate that thought Kurt! I just... I just want you to realise how much you mean to me!"

They stared at each other, wide eyed in shock for a few moments before Kurt spoke softly. "I uh, I don't know what to say to that..."

Blaine sighed again and cautiously reached over to take Kurt's hand in his. "Sorry. I've been trying to figure out how to say this all day and I kind of panicked." He said with a small, light laugh. "Look Kurt, last night..."

Kurt froze. "Yeah? What about it?" He prompted quietly.

Blaine sighed and almost inaudibly replied "you know what."

"...Yeah I do." Kurt said defeated.

"Have I done something wrong?" Blaine asked scared. "Was I pushing you? Because Kurt I swear I never meant to! You know I will wait however long you need me to w-"

"No you won't!"

Blaine's breath froze at Kurt's blunt interruption. Kurt looked shocked in himself for doing it and both boys. stared wide eyed at each other for a moment.

"What do you mean Kurt? Of course I will, you know I will! I love you, you're my boyfriend! If I've done something to make you feel like this then please, please tell me so that I don't do it again-"

"No you haven't done anything wrong, Blaine, this is all my stupid problem! But it's obvious you want more and I... I can't give that to you..." He finished timidly.

"I...I don't get it Kurt. I'm ready for something more, yeah, but that doesn't make a difference to how much I love what we've done already! I'll _gladly_ wait until you're ready, Kurt, I want you to be comfortable." Blaine tried to urge reassuringly.

"Urgh but that's just it Blaine I don't know if I'll ever be ready!" He shouted. "And as more time passes...you're going to get...bored of me..." Tears welling up in his eyes.

"Kurt..." Blaine blanched. "Kurt that's absolutely ridiculous, I could never get bored of you! Hey, don't cry! Baby, explain to me where this is coming from, please! Why don't you think you'll ever be ready for something more physical?" Blaine asked, taking both of his boyfriend's hands in his own.

"Because Blaine I'm not...I'm not like you, I'm not..." He sighed and almost inaudibly whispered "I'm not attractive..."

Silence. Blaine stared at the other boy. He was rigid and eyes squeezed shut almost waiting for mockery.

Blaine didn't trust his ears. _Not attractive? What?_

"Kurt." Blaine started laughing nervously. "Please tell me you're joking. You can't be serious." He looked at him expectantly, but when the older boy hung his head down and turned it away, Blaine knew he was.

"Kurt that's insane! You're gorgeous!" Kurt shook his head, pulled away from his boyfriend's grasp and stood up from the bed, wrapping his arms around his middle protectively.

"No Blaine! It's not! God I- urgh you don't understand! When people look at you they see this perfect guy! This perfect guy who's extremely talented, caring, considerate, polite, _incredibly_ gorgeous! And when people look at me they see a scrawny, pale, girly freak!" Kurt shouted.

"Kurt-"

"And when people see us together, Blaine it's...it's horrible! I see them staring at us like 'what is some like him doing with an ugly little thing like him?' And god most of the time it's just...I'm with you and I forget about what I look like, you know? I actually start feeling better about myself and then I catch the looks people are giving us and it all comes crashing back down again..."

"Kurt please listen-"

"And what's worse, I never used to feel like this! I don't know whether it's from years of bullying or feeling like I have to match you or what, but I never used to feel this bad about myself." Kurt was frantic now. "And it gets worse everyday! And before last night I didn't even feel_ that_ unattractive! I just felt like you could do _so_ much better than me and I didn't understand why you were with me but then, when you tried to go further everything just hit me, and hard. I realised that if I let things continue I would loose you, because you would see me and finally realise that I _wasn't_ anything special and you would leave and-"

"KURT STOP!"

Kurt froze immediately at Blaine's frank tone. He pulled up his tear streaked face to meet his boyfriend's gaze and his heart broke at the look of despair on Blaine's face. His eyes were wide and filled with raw emotion, his mouth hanging open in loss for words.

The tension that filled the room was thick. Neither one could bring themselves to speak after Kurt's outburst. He hadn't meant to, but once he started, he lost control of his mouth and the sentences were coming out like word vomit.

You could hear a pin drop in the room, a deathly silence, until Blaine let out an almost silent whisper. "Do you really feel like that?"

Kurt tore his eyes away from the other boy and that was enough of an answer for Blaine. "Oh Kurt-"

"Don't. Please I hate feeling like this enough without you looking at me like I'm some pitiful idiot."

"No Kurt you're not an idiot! I'm sorry I just... can we talk about this? Come sit back down Kurt please?"

Blaine extended out a hand and, hesitantly, Kurt slipped his own hand into the hold, being lightly pulled back onto the stretch of the bed.

"Kurt...why haven't you talked to me about this?"

"...I was ashamed." He whispered

"Oh Kurt...I had no idea you felt like this. I always wondered why you often brushed off compliments I gave you, but I didn't realise there was a reason like this."

"I know I'm pathetic, it's stupid."

"No, Kurt it's not stupid and you're certainly not pathetic, its just...I don't understand how you can think like that Kurt. You. Are. Beautiful. You really are, you are absolutely gorgeous, incredibly sexy-"

Kurt scoffed meekly. "Sexy Blaine? I'm the opposite of sexy and you know it."

"What do you mean?"

"Really Blaine? The 'Animal' performance..." He prompted quietly, embarrassed.

Blaine looked at him for a moment longer, brow furrowed in confusion, until a wash of realisation swept over him. His eyes widened and his heart sank, was he really making Kurt feel like this?

"Oh."

"Yeah." Kurt sighed. "Look Blaine I'm sorry, the whole point of me inviting you over was to try and explain this to you before you started worrying or thinking you had done something wrong but I-I...I'm not ready...I don't want to talk about this now, I'm sorry, I think you should go..."

"Kurt-"

"Please. I'm sorry it's just...I'm getting frustrated, not at you but at myself, and I think I need to calm down and collect my thoughts before I carry on taking this out on you because this isn't fair on you, I'm being unreasonable. So please just...I'll call you tomorrow or something."

Blaine sat at a loss. He didn't know what to do. This was the second time he had been asked to leave his boyfriend's bedroom, and because of a very similar situation at that. He didn't want to leave his boyfriend so distraught, but he had to respect his wishes. If Kurt wasn't ready to talk, Blaine sure as hell wasn't going to push him. So as much as it pained him, not only to leave but also to see Kurt so downcast, Blaine silently got up, slipped on his shoes, went over to sit on the bed by Kurt and hesitantly wrapped his arms around him in a warm embrace which was returned just as tentatively, before kissing him slowly on the forehead and getting up to leave.

He chanced one more glance behind him at the saddened boy on the bed who's head was hung slightly before whispering. "Just...call me when you're ready? Take your time ok, I love you." Then, regretfully, he left.

**A/N - Ok so it wasn't meant to end all angsty but the chapter was getting longer and longer and I felt so bad about not giving you an update so hopefully next chapter will be fluffy and full of klainebows! :)**


	4. Daddy time

**A/N - Hello again! Sorry, I actually finished on Wednesday but I didn't have time to upload it! Still here though! Enjoy, this story just keeps getting longer, it was only starting off as a oneshot! :P Texts are in bold!**

* * *

Kurt didn't call the next day. Or the day after. In fact, a whole week passed and Blaine still hadn't heard from his boyfriend. Sure they had shared the simple 'goodnight' texts but Blaine was so used to long daily phone conversations that when stripped from him, he was feeling really downbeat.

He didn't want to pry or push him but he was itching to call Kurt. He tried everything to distract himself, but considering it was summer vacation, he had no homework and, really, the only thing available to do was watch TV or work on music, which you can only do for so long. In the end, Blaine physically had to sit on his hands to restrain himself from reaching for his phone.

His cell suddenly buzzed from his bedside table and he sat up instantly, reaching over for it, anxious for Kurt's message. When he looked at the screen, however, it wasn't Kurt; it was Mercedes. He sighed and opened the text.

**From Mercedes:**

**Blaine, hey how are things with Kurt? He wouldn't tell what's wrong when I saw him, I was wondering if you found out anything?**

Blaine scrunched his face in deliberation. Obviously Blaine knew why Kurt was acting strangely, and he knew Mercedes was his best friend, but if Kurt didn't tell Mercedes then he obviously didn't want her to know. People know how hard dealing with an appearance insecurity can be.

A severe insecurity controls you; controls how you act and how you feel about yourself. It can hold you back, hurt you, scare you, makes you feel incapable of being loved. Blaine has heard the stories, of people dealing with such self loathing that they cry themselves to sleep, they change their appetite, they harm themselves, or in some cases, take their own life. But to hear Kurt express such feelings of sadness was shocking; Blaine simply didn't understand it. Kurt was dazzling.

Blaine had always thought of Kurt as good looking, you'd have to be blind not to find him attractive. But when Blaine promised himself to take on the role of 'mentor', he promised himself to think nothing more of it, just acknowledge his attractiveness, but without the risk of 'inappropriate' thoughts.

Then when Kurt walked in that day, wearing not his Dalton uniform, just pure black and tears in his eyes, and started singing, Blaines immediate thought was 'god he's so beautiful'.

As soon as this thought entered his mind, he froze, his eyebrows furrowed slightly. Beautiful? That was more than acknowledgement! He shifted slightly and turned his head further towards Kurt. He really WAS beautiful. And kind, and caring and sweet, and independent, and funny and... Blaine was in love with him!

Was he? No! I mean he always felt... Connected to Kurt. Of course he did, he was his best friend after all but surely he would have realised before now. He always felt sad and incomplete when Kurt wasn't with him, even if it was just having him near. But... Oh who was he kidding?! Kurt was IT for him, everything Blaine saw good in the world was Kurt.

A simple smile graced his face, but from that smile flew so many emotions. Happiness. Relief. Vulnerability.

Love.

Oh there you are, he thought, I've been looking for you forever.

By the Kurt finished singing Blaine had tears lining his face. He couldn't believe how a moment so simple could shift Baline's perspective around everything that had happened within the last few months... But he was bloody glad it did!

And the 'Animal' performance.

He really didn't know what he was thinking when he said Kurt wasn't sexy. Thinking back to that day he scalded himself with regret. The way he acted and the things he said, he did without thinking.

_God you idiot! Of course he's going to have been affected by that. Comments that blunt would affect anybody!_

Not letting himself develop feelings for Kurt was one thing but he had gone overboard and he didn't understand why he had said it!

Kurt was the sexiest guy Blaine knew and he didn't even have to try!

He sighed and slouched back into the pillows behind him as he punched out a reply to Mercedes.

**To Mercedes:**

**Hey, still no word from Kurt. We still text each other goodnight, I'll keep trying. Thanks for your help.**

**From Mercedes:**

**No problem prep school boy! I'm happy to help, I just want my boo back to normal. Promise you'll tell me if you find anything out boy?!**

Great. Just what he needed. Blaine had already lied to his boyfriend's best friend and now, making it worse, he had to make a promise on something he already knew.

**To Mercedes:**

**Of course I will. I know how much your friendship means to Kurt, so I'm sure it must be something personal to keep things from us. I'm sure he'll be fine though, I'll make sure of it. :)**

**From Mercedes:**

**You better! I'm watching you Anderson! ;) Thanks and you're right, let's just hope it's nothing too serious.**

Oh if only. Blaine thought as he typed out his response.

**To Mercedes:**

**I'm sure it's nothing, maybe he's just worried about going back to school. It's not like the bullying ever FULLY stopped for you guys.**

**From Mercedes:**

**Yeah I guess you're right. He did always feel a lot safer around you and being back at McKinley whilst you're still at Dalton probably bums him out a bit. Well text you later boy!**

Blaine sighed again and threw his cell to the end of his bed. Although he knew that wasn't the reason, Blaine couldn't help feeling some truth behind her words. While their personal relationship was safe and stable, it was but a week or two before Kurt's return to McKinley that they had had their run in with Karofsky, and although he had apologised since, it would be more than understandable if Kurt was still worried about the year ahead. There were rumours mulling around facebook that Karofsky wouldn't be returning to McKinley for senior year, but there would obviously still be other jocks and another year of slushie facials for the glee club probably wouldn't appeal to them.

He had to find away to talk to Kurt. They had left things so up in the air. Kurt had bottled himself up again and instead of talking, pushed Blaine away. Blaine knew it was hard for Kurt to let him in. After so much abuse over the years, his mother's death and his father's heart attack, trusting people was a challenge, and Blaine wanted to be someone he could confine in. He'd just have to wait for Kurt to come to him first.

* * *

Kurt was at a loss. He felt so embarrassed. He had called

Blaine over to explain things to calmly and he ended up kicking him out...again.

He couldn't bring himself to call Blaine. What would he say? He would just end up getting upset again. He was so ashamed, hated the way Blaine looked at him. Such pity, it made Kurt feel even worse about himself. Blaine wouldn't view him the same now. Now he would simply be the scared, broken, insecure little boy who freaks out at the prospect of anything even remotely sexual.

He was running out of time. He wanted to talk to Blaine properly about this before the end of summer but school started back in a week and a half and Kurt was starting to lose faith. They had text each other goodnight for the past week but Kurt was too scared to broach the subject. He honestly just didn't know what to say.

He didn't want Blaine to be dragged into his problems. He brought this upon himself. It was like no matter what he did, he simply couldn't be happy with the way he looked. Kurt went into sophmore year with a very noticeable layer of fat. Kurt hated it. No one wanted to date someone fat and girly. Even so, Kurt had never met anyone else out of the closet and so he tried not to let it bother him. When Kurt met Blaine however, things were different he lost a lot of weight, and his growth spurt certainly helped with that, and he actually started feeling a little better about himself. He and Blaine were singing flirty duets together, going out to theatres and other 'date like' places all the time. For the first time Kurt felt truly special. He really thought Blaine was interested in him. That's why it hurt so much when he found out he wasn't.

The debacle with Jeremiah and the ridiculous fiasco with Rachel really hit hard. Blaine was never interested him. He was simply being Blaine; sweet, kind, caring, dapper Blaine. He should have known losing weight wouldn't have made Blaine want to be with him. That didn't stop him though. He became obsessed with what he ate; always checking the calories on an item of food and what effect that would have on his hips.

Still though, Kurt came to the conclusion that it wasn't specifically his weight that Blaine found so repulsive, it was the rest of his looks. His girly face, stupid voice. He was the 'stereotypical gay' and Blaine obviously didn't want that. That really ripped away at Kurt's insides, he could change his weight but he couldn't change the rest of him without some ghastly form of surgery and no matter how desperately he wanted to be with Blaine, he couldn't do that to himself.

Sighing, Kurt found himself walking into his father's shop late on a thursday afternoon. "Hey dad." He said sullenly as he entered to see his dad both his head under the bonnet of a van.

"Hey Kurt! Just give me a sec and I'll be with you."

"Alright." He sighed, leaning back against a bench that looked most clean and picking up a spanner to twirl through his fingers lazily.

Burt grunted in satisfaction and pulled back from the hood of the vehicle, wiping his greased hands on a cloth he picked up from the side. "What's up?" He asked, closing up the front of the van.

Kurt sighed and stared at the metal implement in his hands.

"Kurt?"

The pale boy looked up heavily and defeated before whispering quietly "do you think Blaine finds me...attractive?"

Burt froze for a second obviously not expecting that and a little stuck on what to say. "I uh um...Kurt...should I be giving you the sex talk again because uh...that was awkward enough for both of us last time..."

"What? Oh god no! That's something I don't think either of us should have to sit through again!"

"Right. Ok, good. So uh...what's this about then because I kinda don't know where to take that question..."

"Well, Blaine and I were...you know...making out" Kurt started, his cheeks flaming red "and he tried to...well...take my shirt off-"

"Uh Kurt this really is sounding like what I thought. Do I need to talk to Blaine? Did he push you into something? 'Cause if he did-"

"No, dad! I swear nothing like that its just...well...I freaked out. I practically leapt across the bed."

"Good that's what I like to hear."

"Dad _please_." Kurt whined. "I really need your advise.

"Alright, alright I'm sorry I'm just kidding. Look, why do you think you freaked out? Is it because you're not...you know...ready to do that sorta thing?"

"No its not that its just...the idea of sex always kind of freaked me out, not that we were _going_ to have sex" Kurt added when he caught the surprised look on his dad's face "I'm _deffinately_ not ready for that and neither is Blaine, but its always a subject that I've pushed from my mind. And I didn't think I had to worry about it coming up because I didn't think Blaine wanted that stuff with me..."

"Why? He's your boyfriend and anyone with half a brain can see how much he loves you so of course he's gunna wanna...do stuff with you." Burt said awkwardly, not wanting to think of his son in that way.

"But I don't understand why! Let's face it dad I'm not exactly Taylor Lautner! I'm pale and weakly and girly and bland and-"

"Woa woa woa Kurt stop! What's going on with you, where is this coming from? There are enough assholes out there thinking bad things about you, I don't want you thinking those sorts of things about yourself."

"But dad its true! And Blaine keeps telling me I'm wrong but I know I'm not! I know he's just being usual Blaine, all charming and polite. And I know I'm not the _worst_ looking person in the world but let's be honest, if I. wasn't so invested in skin care and keeping up with the latest fashion changes then I'd be pretty damn close to it!"

"No Kurt! Why didn't you tell me you felt like this? I know I'm not as good with the emotional stuff as your mom was but I'm still your dad and I don't want you bottling this sorta stuff up." Burt stood up and walked over to his downbeat son, clapping him on the shoulder. "You're an amazing kid Kurt, I couldn't be prouder to call you my son." Kurt smiled weakly. "Now I know you've gone through a hell of a lot of crap in your life but believe me and believe Blaine when we say everything bad you hear people say against you is utter bull! You are worth so much more than what they depict you out as Kurt. You are strong. So much stronger than them. Never let them tell you otherwise." Burt finished with a strong, comforting smile.

Kurt reciprocated the smile bit it didn't quite meet his eyes. His dads words had warmed him and Kurt really did smirk at how his dad always managed to make him feel better. Still though, he couldn't believe his words. He knew his dad was only saying them because he had to. He was being a good father simple as that. He didn't care what people would tell him, Blaine was too good for him and that was that. And although Blaine was not so shallow as to dump Kurt based on his lack of looks, he was still human, and no same human would stay with someone if they had absolutely ZERO attraction towards them, especially when Blaine could find someone better within seconds.

But couldn't help but notice that he felt slightly lighter than he had before his talk with the man before him. He didn't exactly know why. Maybe it was his father's kind words. Maybe it was simply talking to someone he trusted about his tribulations, releasing some of the strain that had been eating away at him.

"Thanks dad." He said softly, swooping into his father's welcoming embrace. "I love you." He said pulling away, turning to walk off.

"I love you to kiddo. Takeaway tonight?" Burt asked, walking back to lean against the hood of a car.

Kurt cringed inwardly. The last thing he needed to be doing was eating copious amounts of fast foods. He was out of shape enough, the last thing he needed to be doing was getting fat. His layer of baby fat from last year was bad enough. But as he looked upon his father's caring expression he couldn't find the will to disagree at this point. One meal shouldn't do much damage...right? He'd have to hope not.

"Sure dad, I'll order it later." He said dejected as he continued out the shop.

_Don't be so mellow dramatic Kurt! One takeout will be fine...I hope..._

* * *

**A/N - And that's the end of that chapter! I start work on the next one but you know me and updates...sorry... But can we talk about what an AWESOME day Tuesday was?! I mean common! Darren's birthday! He tweeted 10 freaking times! woaaaa! He's tweeting so much this year, I think it was his new years resolution to be acquainted with the world of twitter! ;) And oh man he saw the plane! I may have cried...like a lot... And to make it even more perfect, Gay marriage was legalised here in the UK on DARREN'S BIRTHDAY! And the whole 'Sweet attentive lover' tweet that may I add BOTH Darren AND Chris replied to! CRISSCOLFER IS ON! Diva was incredible and Darren in 'Don't stop me now' and his lil sick voice was just golden! 'Girl on fire', I mean WOW Naya, absolutely ACE! And BOOYA Kurt you go! Rachel deserves to have her ego shoved in her face and he deserved to win, so happy! But like Tina...WTF?!...is all I can say on that...**

**Wow...ok long AN this time...I started rambling and I couldn't stop so...I'm gunna go now...goodbye! :P **


	5. Down hill

**A/N - Ok, so...hi... I have no words other than if you read this and you like it...I'M SO SORRY FOR THE LACK OF UPDATE! I know i say ths every chapter but trying to start writing fanfic in year 11 of school where you piratically see exams in your nightmares is not a good idea! :S I promise I am not giving up with this story. I have a new story that i'm writing which i've actually planed and made noted on this time so hopefully it will turn out like a proper story with longer chapters and lots of them! :D i'm really excited about it but I want to finish this story first so it won't be up for a long while yet I don't think...:( I also haven't given up on 'Abuse' if anyone is reading that but i'm putting it on hiatus (ahahaha I sound just like Glee! :P) **

**Now this chapter is ridiculously short but I realised how long it's been since I undated and thought hey i'm a terrible person so (whilst watching AVPSY once again!) I sat down and forced myself to write some! :) This whole story is a mess because I didn't plan it and I have no idea where it just keeps getting sadder, so much so that I have to most likely give you a trigger warning for this chapter! but I promise it shouldn't get much worse than this because i'm not a good enough writer to tackle this yet. but anyway, here you go! :)**

* * *

Here again, standing in front of the mirror, Kurt watches the effects of a Chinese takeout as they inhabit his body. He swears he can see his tummy expanding each second, gaining weight. He feels sluggish and heavy and he doesn't dare think about what the fatty grease is currently doing to his skin.

This is why he is always so strict about what he eats. He's always been very wary about his metabolism and he doesn't want to risk getting back his puppy fat by eating takeouts! He had seen what a bad diet could do to a person's health; his father was a prime example of that. Sure, he loved the odd cheesecake or slice pizza and while always a good idea at the time, he always felt incredibly guilty afterwards.

He really had hoped that one fast food meal wouldn't have much effect on him; he would just cut down on what he would eat tomorrow. But as he looked at his reflection he could practically feel the fat growing on him. He never really ate takeouts, was this normal? He could swear he never felt this unhealthy the last time he had eaten one.

Maybe it was having more effect on him because he was older than he used to be, teenagers were the group most prone to bodily changes after all. Or maybe it was because his body wasn't used to that sort of grease and he was extremely vigilant about what entered his body. He wasn't really ashamed to admit that he often checks the amount of dreaded carbs that he consumed, it was only good sense.

And again he was feeling regret. He shouldn't have had this one night off. He wanted to have a nice evening with his dad and reward him for being so good lately with his heart and a takeout seemed the perfect treat but now it just seemed like one big mistake. He could feel the copious amounts of grease swimming around inside of him. He could recall the array of spicy browns and sticky oranges and yellows that greeted him as he opened the cardboard cartons, not a single green leaf in sight.

As he stares at the image bearing down back at him he starts to see only the flaws becoming worse. His face becoming puffier and he can't help but think back to the layer of puppy fat he had sophomore year as he watches it trace around his jaw and neck. He feels a lump in the back of his throat that, despite swallowing, he can't seem to boot. He feels guilty. Only he can control what he looks like. He can't get sloppy. If he thought just being boring and slim was bad he wouldn't be able to handle becoming overweight as well.

Tears of frustration spring to his eyes and he can't help feeling annoyed at himself. This was silly. Wasn't it? Maybe not. He needed to look good for Blaine if he was ever going to go further with him and Kurt was sure as hell going to do everything he could not to let him go. So it was ok to be frustrated with himself, right?

He's usually fine with his eating habits. He knows exactly what and what not to eat in order to stay a certain way and he doesn't like slipping up, and after tonight he knows he will never slip up again when it comes to his diet. His father's heart attack had scared him witless and Kurt vow never to follow the same way. Being plain and skinny was better than being so ill.

He felt the greasy, fatty take away dishes thickening in his stomach and clawing its way back up his oesophagus as if forced and repelled by every cell in his body. Before he knew what was happening he had fallen to his knees in front of the toilet and was making gut wrenching noises as he vomited into the base.

He carried on for a couple of minutes as he continued to hurl, coughing and spluttering until his insides were raw and his shakes started to die down. It was only then, when he stared to calm and with his breathing becoming more natural that he realised that he had stuck two guilty fingers down his own throat to make it happen.

He had just forced himself to throw up.

He scrambled up off the bathroom floor, away from the toilet and backed up until pressed up against the wall behind him as he brought his hands up to his mouth in shock. His eyes wide and disbelieving.

He couldn't trust himself to move and he certainly couldn't think straight. He couldn't tare his eyes away from the seat he had previously been leaning on as he forced the contents of his stomach out of him. What had just happened? This wasn't him. He had seen the films, heard the stories and the consequences. Sure he wasn't happy with the way he looked at all but he wasn't bulimic was he? One time didn't class as bulimia. No. Just a momentary lapse of judgement.

But maybe this was the start. What classes as an eating disorder? He simply couldn't figure out on what world would make him stick his fingers down his throat. He wasn't depressed. Maybe he used to be, or was starting to be at least, before he met Blaine. But with what he was going through with Karofsky and all the other homophobic assholes at McKinley that was understandable wasn't it. And he hadn't been feeling _this_ unhappy with the way he looked for that long. But he was getting worse. He knew that. Every time he looked at himself it was with more disgust than the last. Maybe he was becoming bulimic...

_Just stop it Kurt! Stop it! Don't think any more of it. You just made a stupid mistake. That didn't just happen. Ok it did but you're not being yourself lately. You're stressed and with everything that's going on with Blaine you just lost yourself for a moment. No big deal._

With shaky steps Kurt softly moved forward to flush the toilet. He then moved over to the sink to wash his face trying to calm his underlying nerves down. Once he patted down his face with a flannel he caught glimpse of himself in the mirror once again and the sight made him feel sick all over again- not because what he saw was worse but because it was better! He felt better. He swore some of the fat had left him and the outline of his tummy was smaller and that's what made his eyes begin to tear up. He wasn't supposed to feel better after that. He wasn't stupid, he knew it was unhealthy and he could not let himself do it again. But he could at least enjoy the smile that had crept onto his face at the sight, right?

He shook his head at went back into his bedroom to get dressed.

_One time won't hurt, Kurt. You never eat fast food and that's the only reason you ended up kneeling on the floor today. Just keep watching what you eat and you'll be fine._


	6. Time to know

**A/N - So hey, it's been what...about 2 and a half months? Yeah, once again I prove how bad at updating I am but I suppose I do have 2 screenplays and about another 4 fics on the go as well as all my school exams...in fact I have two exams today, the first in about 2 hours so I better go finish revising! I'm sorry for how bad this story is, when I started this fic I was only just starting writing and my style has changed so much so this fic was kind of like a guinea pig I guess, it's really messy! who knows, maybe down the line I'll rewrite it to make it better but for now here is the next chapter...**

* * *

"20,000 hits? That's insane!" Kurt laughed to himself. "Finn have you seen this?" He called over to his step brother from the couch.

"What?"

"Get off your ass and come look you big lug!"

"Ugh." Finn tossed his bag of half eaten cheetos on the coffee table and quickly brushed off any lingering crumbs on his jeans as he pushed himself up from the chair and walked over to the other boy who was sitting, laptop resting on his knees, eyes wide and a shocked grin on his face.

Finn rounded the corner behind him and rested his forearms on the back of the couch as he leant down to peer at the screen. When he saw, his jaw dropped. "Woa wait what? 'The kissed that missed'? What the hell man, how did that get on you tube?" He stared at Kurt stunned.

"Hey don't look at me! I was on stage with you in case you've forgotten!" He retorted starting to laugh. "Someone from the audience must have filmed it! And I'm sorry to say this Finn but this kiss has gone viral in the show choir world, and some of these comments are absolutely hilarious!" Finn raised his eyebrows at his brothers amusement from the situation. "Oh oh oh look at this!" Kurt hovered the mouse over a recent comment as he started laughing harder.

Finn squinted down at the screen again and read the words out. "Why is that T-rex eating the jew?" Kurt let out another loud snort and brought his hand up to his mouth to muffle the sound as Finn hit him on the arm. "Duuudee!" He whined. "That's not funny, Rachel's probably gonna freak and I don't need that, she's already pissed at me!"

Kurt tried to stifle his sniggers at the slight pout on the lofty teens face. "Aw I'm sorry Finn but that kiss _did_ lose us nationals and no one is going to let you forget that soon." He said with a smile. "Besides Rachel is just happy that you two are back together and if anything she'll love how diva-ish this makes her look." Kurt smiled to himself setting his laptop forward on the coffee table in front of him and closing down the browser to ease his brother's distress slightly who sighed and came round to join the pale boy on the couch, slumping back against the cushions with a huff.

"And Finn I know she got mad at you for not cancelling your plans with Puck when she wanted to see you and I get that that's just Rachel being Rachel so maybe you should just appolo-"

"What? Dude that's not why she's mad at me. I mean yeah it was but that was last week!"

"Last week?" Kurt said slightly taken aback. "Hold up, are you saying that you guys fought, stopped talking, made up and started fighting again within the span of a few days?" Kurt asked earning a small nod from the taller boy. "Will you two ever learn?"

"Its just, Rachel is so sensitive you know! Anything sort of sets her off! I mean I love her, obviously and I don't regret us getting back together even if it is sort of driving me crazy, but she's not as crazy as Quinn and she's still I think the love of my life...despite how often we break up..."

"Right...well, as sweet as that is, I have to ask, what happened this time to make her mad? I mean, like you said Rachel kind of gets offended at anything and everything so this could be anything from farting on the couch to hitting her dads."

"No, no it was nothing like that its just...ugh I don't even know one minute it was fine, we were going through her closet and she was sorting out clothes that her dads could sell and then all I said was 'no offence Rach but these close can make you look a little frumpy and I doubt people would want them when there will be cheap clothes someplace else' and she just flipped! She started going on about how if I loved her I would help her and support her and not make her feel like that what ever _that_ is!"

"Oh poor oblivious Finn, will you ever learn..."

"What? I mean I know I'm a little slow and I have just realised that maybe that I sort of insulted her clothes again but I haven't done that in ages and I've said I'm sorry I mean common she's barely spoken to me all week isn't this a bit of an over reaction?"

"Ok Finn I'm going to clear things up for you, Rachel is not pissed about what you said about her clothes, she's got her diva on because you made her feel fat."

"What? How did I make her feel fat?"

"Really, you honestly have no idea? Finn you called her frumpy."

"But I was talking about like her sweaters and stuff. Doesn't frumpy mean like old fashioned?"

"Technically, yes. But not to teenage girls Finn, no one wants to hear that from their boyfriend. Imagine if she said something about your body that hurt. A negative comment leaves a sting Finn. It hurts to hear especially coming from someone you trust and it takes a lot more to take it back than it does to dish it out."

"But I didn't mean it! God girls are so sensitive!"

"Its not just girls Finn!" Kurt snapped before realising his tone. Finn looked at him shocked before Kurt sighed and softened his voice to keep explaining. "Look, do you ever wonder why Rachel is so clingy towards you? Its probably because she's scared of loosing you."

"What do you mean?"

"Finn you were star quarterback, the most popular guy in school dating the head cheerleader, the most popular even though most physcopathic girl in school. You strung Rachel along for months because you were with Quinn, you were always concious of you social status and you said you couldn't forgive Rachel for cheating on you and yet you went back to Quinn even though she got pregnant by your best friend and tried to pass it off as yours!"

"Woa man wait to blow up the past! What has that got to do with Rach being scared of losing me?"

"Because Finn, to her it seems like no matter what Quinn does you'll take her back and yet you get annoyed at the slightest thing Rachel does. Yes Rachel is bossy, domineering and kind of a bitch but she's still just a scared little girl in love and she feels like she's walking on egg shells, like if she's not perfect for you then you'll go running off back to Quinn."

"Seriously? Dude no that's never going to happen, Quinn and I are over and I know I've said that before but I really mean it this time. After everything that's happened the past two years it just made me think about who I really wanna be with and believe me that's not Quinn, its Rachel."

"Well I'm not the one you have to convince, Finn. Go and talk to Rachel before things get worse. If she keeps this bottled up any longer I fear she may actually have a full Rachel Berry breakdown. Just tell her how you feel about her."

"Yeah. Yeah you're right man thanks."

"Of course I am, no problem."

"Finn bumped him lightly on the shoulder as he hauled himself out off the couch, slipping out his phone and thumbing through to Rachel's number as he started walking out of the living room. He paused at the doorway sticking his head back quickly as he lifted the phone to his ear calling out to Kurt. "Hey man, before I forget can you call Blaine, ask him why he didn't come over to watch the Buckeyes game with me and Burt yesterday? He didn't reply to my text and I just thought it was a little weird of him, he's always so like organised."

"U-uh...yeah, sure Finn I'll just- I'll call him later for you..."

"Thanks man. Hey, is everything alright with you two? I haven't seen him over here in ages or overheard any of your lovey dovey phone calls...you haven't had a fight have you? He didn't hurt you? Because even though I think Blaine's really cool, I'm your brother I'm meant to like look out for you so I can you know beat him up or whatever for you..."

"Ok first of all Finn, you may be tall and intimidating but like you would ever actually be able to hit Blaine. And secondly no, Blaine hasn't done anything wrong ok. He is the perfect gentleman."

"Alright man I was just checking. I was kind of a massive ass to you last year and I just wanna look out for you, like a proper bro!"

"Thanks Finn, that's really nice of you. But I'm afraid this time that's not needed. You're right there has been a slight, how shall I put it, riff between Blaine and I for a couple of weeks and that's proably why he missed the game but its my fault if anything. I've been meaning to talk to him though anyway so I'll...I'll call him later."

Finn nodded and turned to make his way out when Kurt added "but thanks Finn, I really appreciate the gesture. You really are the best brother."

"Sure thing Kurt." Finn smiled. as he walked out when Rachel finally picked up the phone.

I need to talk to Blaine. I need to talk to Blaine now. God how am I going to face him and explain this and oh _god_ I have to tell him...what I did...how I made myself sick... Maybe I could leave that out, I don't want to worry him.

But I can't lie to him.

There's nothing to lie about if he doesn't ask.

Help.

* * *

127 pounds.

Kurt stepped of the scale and slipped on the rest of his clothes, keeping the number in his head.

He moved back into his bedroom and got up his laptop, placing it on his vanity and sitting back in his chair as he waited for it to load.

He looked over at his clock. 7:14pm. He had spent the last hour tossing his phone between his palms trying to talk himself into calling his ever patient boyfriend but succeeded in nothing but sitting for 20 minutes with his thumb frozen over the call button until he eventually gave up.

He became so frustrated and his mind so clogged up that he ended up distracting himself in the best way he knew how; with clothes. He went to his closet and started putting together outfits for his return to school the following week.

As he was trying on the different items though, he paused as he caught a glimpse of himself in his vanity. Running his palm over the expanse of his tummy he started to think. Kurt, despite being very aware of his diet and figure, had never really thought about one thing; his BMI.

It was something he had often heard about but never particularly paid attention to. Sure he weighed himself but the number that greeted him never meant anything further. It was just a number. He didn't even know what a male his age should weigh. He was more of a 'you can see the fat, work it off' kind of guy. So why did he get so worked up over a number that he didn't know what it meant.

His desktop background lit up and he quickly bought up us internet browser.

'BMI calculator' he typed into the search bar. He clicked on the first link and watched as the site loaded. There wasn't much on the page; a few links Kurt noticed that said things such as 'control your weight' 'eat right' and 'lose 1st in 1 week'. His eyes lingered on them for a second before shaking himself off and moving is mouse away, more than likely just another set of online scams. Sure Kurt had visited those sorts of links before. They were a popular ad choice for websites and Kurt was only human after all, always interested in slimming down, but as he grew up he soon realised it was all the same hollow advice with diet plans that never worked and pills that never delivered.

In the middle of the page was a sort of table, asking for details for certain details about his body. He entered his sex, age and height before finally typing in his recently measured 127 pounds. He looked over his information one more time before pressing submit and waiting for his result to calculate.

May take up to a few minutes. "urgh I know what that means..." Sitting back and drumming his fingers against the desk for a moment he decided to do a little research into BMI. He bought up a new tab in his browser and searched for the details of the phrase.

'BMI or body mass index is a measure that most people can use to check if their weight is healthy for their height.'

'A BMI of 25 to 29.9 is overweight.'

'One of 30 to 39.9 is obese.'

'If your BMI is less than 18.5, you're considered underweight for your height and should consider medical attention.'

Keeping the numbers in his head he flipped back tabs to his own results and his eye brows shot up at the number that greeted him.

18.2! What? That couldn't be right. Sure Kurt wasn't expecting to place in the obese category but never would he have expected to have hit underweight without even knowing it.

He wasn't underweight. He couldn't be. On the best of days he was slim and bland but give even the slightest amount of creamy pasta or greasy pizza and his baby fat would spring right back. So yes he was strict on what he ate but surely his diet couldn't have affected his weight that much!

No one had said anything or voiced a concern so surely they hadn't noticed either.

Maybe it was a dodgy site. Never can fully trust the internet after all, best to double check.

He clicked back to the search engine and found another calculator and re added his measurements but the result remained the same; underweight.

He sat back in his chair in shock. He swallowed thickly as the news dawned on him then he quickly snapped shut the screen on his laptop and walked back over to his bed falling down on his back.

Ok so maybe his weight had lost control a little. But that was only one aspect of his worries. It was all well and good he wasn't 'chubby' but he sure as hell wasn't toned. Blaine hadn't seen his without the protection of his clothes and while sure, he hadn't seen Blaine shirtless either, his arms had been on full display all summer thanks to his preppy polo shirts and it didn't take a genius to work out that Blaine had some serious muscles.

What was Blaine imagining or hoping for Kurt would never understand. Was he thinking that Kurt was going to pop open his shirt buttons and there lies a chest master crafted by Ryan Reynolds himself? I don't think so. Kurt was just...Kurt. Nothing special, not like Blaine. Kurt could sit for hours on end admiring new incredible things about his boyfriend that made him grow in exquisitness every day.

And no matter how much Kurt knew Blaine loved him, he also knew he would be disappointed with what he would see underneath it all if they were to take things further. There was so much pressure these days on the 'perfect' look- tall, toned, tanned- the list goes on. And Kurt was scared that the anticipation and burning desire that parcels with young love and relationships would lose its flame if he didn't live up to the hype and expectations.

There were so many things wrong with him and as he got older he was discovering more and more every day. His high voice, his sickly pale skin, his poor complextion that needed tubes of creams each day, his attitude, his...well as clear his list was endless.

Kurt was well expecting to spend years of his life alone until he found someone later in life who was willing to put up with those flaws and that was if he ever found someone at all. But on that one very normal day, there was Blaine; his knight in pristine blazer. He helped him, guided him, cared for him and- dare he say it- loved him in ways no one ever had, not even his dad made him feel so complete and that was saying something. He truly was his dream, his _teenage_ dream. And that was just the problem...he was a dream too good to be true.

But Blaine... He just couldn't push him away anymore.

He looked over at the clock for what was probably the 10th time this evening. 7:35pm. Blaine would probably just be sitting in his room, maybe writing some songs, listening to music, watching some DVD's? He wouldn't be busy.

Kurt glanced at his phone and suddenly it looked less daunting. He missed talking to his boyfriend; hearing his dreamy comforting voice on the other line. To hear his laugh or to be able to picture his infectious smile as they ranted on to each other about America's next top model.

His head was swimming with so many fond memories that before he knew it, his cell was at his ear and there was a soft, surprised voice at the other end.

"Kurt?"

* * *

Blaine came walking into his bedroom clad in a simple t-shirt and sweats, rubbing a towel over his damp curls when he saw his phone light up on his bedside table, vibrating against the oak.

He quickly let the towel hang around his neck catching the remains of the water and moved over to the cell where he saw Kurt's gorgeous bright face fill the screen.

Hurriedly he calmed himself down trying not to get too excited over the prospect that Kurt was finally calling him after almost two weeks of minimal contact. "Kurt?" He asked softly.

"Hey Blaine. Just...wanted to see how you are? I know we've missed our nightly skin sloughing phone dates lately." Kurt replied slightly anxious.

"Yeah I'm- I'm doing ok actually. Just you know getting back in the mind set for school next week and what have you. What about you?" He asked with a nervous eagerness in his voice.

"Yeah, yeah I'm ok..."

"Good..." Well this is fucking awkward Blaine. You've been hoping for him to call all week and now you can't think of anything to say to him!

"So" Kurt drew out into his cell speaker "I was talking with Finn earlier, he said you were meant to come over the other day to watch some football game?"

"Uh yeah! I uh, I had to take a rain check. An aunts birthday, we had to go out for dinner." He waved off nervously as he sat down on the edge of his bed.

"Then why didn't you call him?"

"Just slipped my mind. I forgot we were going out and I didn't have time to tell him before we left."

"Even if that's so, blaine, you're the most organised person I've met. You would have remembered to call and explain once you got back or at least shoot him a text!...you weren't just avoiding coming over because of what's going on between us were you?"

"No?" He squeeked.

"Was that a question or and answer Blaine?"

"Answer?" He replied in the same way once again.

Kurt sighed. "Blaine...look, I'm really sorry for how I've been keeping you in the dark and pushing you away for the past couple of weeks. I feel really guilty and don't want you to feel as if you have to lie to me to I don't know _protect_ me I guess..."

"I'm not-" Blaine started lamely.

"Blaine Anderson..." Kurt warned.

Blaine sighed and ran a hand through his fresh curls. "Gosh you're right, I couldn't ever lie to you. Yes I felt it was probably best if I didn't come over yesterday, I just thought I should be respectful and give you some space."

"And as thoughtful as that was, I don't want you missing out on other things like that because of me."

"No Kurt really its fine, there are plenty of other games anyway."

"But its still not fair on you! And in a way its not fair on dad and Finn either. You know I caused them the loss of their men time buddy." Kurt joked and they laughed softly.

"Men time buddy? Really?"

"Well whatever you guys would call yelling mindless crap at the TV for hours whilst stuffing down endless pots of chips and dips then." Kurt smirked slightly.

Blaine smiled on the other end at his boyfriends adorable sass.

"Look what I'm saying is that I think- I think I should probably explain...actually I know I should...I'm just- I'm a little bit anxious over how to do it."

"Its ok Kurt, honestly."

"No its- look why don't you come over here tomorrow afternoon? At like 2? And I'll talk to you, I promise, no freaking out this time...or to a minimal at least..." He joked slightly.

"Are you sure Kurt? I don't want to make things more uncomfortable for you."

"No I need to do this and you deserve an explination at the very least."

"...ok, if you're sure...thanks Kurt. I'll- I'll see you tomorrow then?" Kurt agreed and the two boys said their goodbyes.

Kurt immediately felt a dull twist deep in his gut. He had never lied to Blaine. In fact he was the _only_ person he had been completely honest with in his life. He could tell him anything and they had spent days on end this past summer just together, talking for hours on end learning things about each other from deep secrets that nobody else knew to funny quirks and habits that they had ben up until that point too embarrassed to share. Even with his dad Kurt had lied at some points and as much as he loved and trusted him, could never have that same connection with him as he did with Blaine. That's why he was finding these past days so torturous. It wasn't so much that he had been lying to Blaine because in a sense Kurt had already kind of told him the truth. Albeit he had kicked him out straight after and barely spoke. To him for a week but it was more how he was shutting Blaine out and pushing him away that was eating at him. Blaine didn't deserve that treatment when he had been nothing but caring and patient with him and the fact that Kurt couldn't just find the courage within him to explain things to help him understand was flooding him with guilt.

But he knew he had to talk to him, and tomorrow was the time to do it. There had been something holding him back up until now that Kurt couldn't quite grasp. And everything he racked his brain trying to find the answer he hit a road block. Every evening for the past week or so he would spend his time trying to push himself to call his boyfriend but could never quite make the final step and it left him wondering why.

But after his talk with Finn he knew. He knew why. It was because he didn't understand. He didn't understand why he felt so insecure. He didn't understand why he was scared and he just simply didn't _understand_ why he was in this situation.

But now he knew why he couldn't talk to Blaine which meant that all of a sudden, he could!

But that didn't stop the uneasy panic inside of him though. Blaine was a good man and was very obviously not one to judge but to reveal such vulnerability to him gave Kurt a slight dread for tomorrow to come.

* * *

Blaine pulled up to the familiar sight of the Hummel-Hudsen home at precisely 2:03pm.

His emotions were muddled. He didn't know whether to feel happy that Kurt was finally opening up to him or nervous for what was to come.

He shut off his car engine and made his way up to the door, rang the bell and waited for an answer. He tried to seem as relaxed as possible but was still slightly edgy.

"I'll get it!" He heard called from inside and then the door opened revealing a just as flustered Kurt.

"Hey."

"Hey."

They smiled at each other before Kurt snapped out of their slight daze "sorry come in."

Blaine shuffled inside the house and subconsciously rubbed his feet on the mat thanks to his polite dapper manner. Kurt closed the door and once again they just looked at each other before both realising how ridiculous they were being; they chucked and moved forward into their warm familiar embrace. They stayed like that for a few seconds, enjoying the comfort they had missed over these days before separating and pacing up to Kurt's room hand in hand.

"I'm just going to go lotion my hands ok, I've been helping Carol wash up in the kitchen and they're all dish watery." Kurt laughed.

"Right yeah sure. Wouldn't want anything to obstruct from you having perfectly smooth hands after all." Blaine teased.

Kurt smiled and walked into his adjoining bathroom where he quickly scanned the sink for the correct lotion and applied an amount to his palms. As he rubbed it in he tried to think of the best way start off this conversation and decided to just get straight to it. Sure he would most likely ease into it but he was going to have to tell Blaine everything he's been thinking lately anyway so what was the point of beating around the bush.

"Ok so look Blaine I'm sorry I've been so distant and well _cold_ lately." Kurt said walking back out of the bathroom. "Its just that I've been dealing with something really confusing and unnerving stuff and-"

"-Yeah I can see that." Blaine interupted. Kurt looked to see his boyfriend at his vanity. Sitting by his laptop. Where the screen had been opened. And all his BMI results staring him straight in the face. Kurt stopped dead in his tracks.

"Kurt, please... what's going on?"

Well, here it goes...

* * *

**A/N - And there you have it! Once again I'll say I have no idea how long this story will last because yes it was meant to be a random one shot that is now 6 parts long and this is the longest chapter at almost 4,500 words... Still, I hope it doesn't suck too much...**


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